Forgive and forget is what we have been told time and time again from the time we were little. Mothers used this mantra to make warring siblings declare a truce, whose effectiveness depended on how complex the quarrel or argument was.

But, even as apologies were grudgingly exchanged, the resentment lingered over what one perceived as unacceptable behaviour on the part of the other. For many of us, forgiveness is easier said than done. We nurse our grievances as assiduously as a mother protects her baby. If we are told that letting go will bring peace of mind, we respond with a litany of wrongs we have been subjected to. Would you forgive such trespasses as easily if you were in our place, we might ask.

Forgiveness is a very subjective topic and everyone has a different take on what can or cannot be forgiven. The resentment one feels usually stems from a feeling of being slighted or misunderstood. The human ego is a fragile thing and needs to be treated with care. Perhaps the hurt is most when the other person involved is close to you. You feel a sense of betrayal as you never dreamt that you would ever fall out with this person. Losing trust is painful and you cannot stop thinking about what happened. You go over the experience over and over again, wondering how a relationship that seemed so secure has unravelled so fast. As you dwell on the events, you feel a sense of resentment so strong that you are convinced that you are the victim. It is difficult to think about what the person must be feeling or why he or she behaved the way they did.

I think that moving on is important as, by holding on, the person whom you are hurting most is yourself. Perhaps this wisdom dawns as you mature as a human being. Forgiveness has more to do with ourselves than others. As soon as you decide to move on, you feel a sense of relief and wonder why you didn’t do so earlier.

I have experienced loss of faith in a few friends but, with the passage of time, I realise that holding on to grievances is counterproductive. If you can’t stop thinking or talking about how you were wronged, you soon become unpleasant company. All you can do is rake up the past and, unfortunately, you soon find others avoiding you. No one wants to be subjected to the torture of having to hear the same story each time they meet you.

Sadly, the world has become a less tolerant place, with judgement being passed on everything and everyone. Without tolerance, forgiveness is that much harder to achieve.

The most basic unit of society, the family, is a place where we ultimately feel safe.

Vanaja Rao is a freelance writer based in Hyderabad, India.