Italian coastguard officials have finally seen sense and are implementing a zero-tolerance policy for selfish tourists who reserve their patch on the beach overnight or first thing in the morning. Towels and sunbeds will be snatched and on-the-spot fines of €200 dished out. In the Tuscan port of Livorno, coastguards have been seizing deckchairs, umbrellas and even bathing suits.
Let’s hope this is just the start. There are scores of other holiday crimes committed by tourists once they stagger off the plane, squinting in the sunlight. Here are the rules that really need to be introduced to stop everyone making prize fools of themselves...
No PG Tips or Ding Dongs
Never mind bottles of potentially dangerous liquids or handguns — airport security should start scanning luggage for jumbo-sized boxes of teabags or creme-filled confectionery. If you can’t survive without “a proper cup of tea” or “the king of cakes”, stay at home. You don’t need groceries — you need hypnotherapy or maybe methadone.
No welcome meetings with reps
The rep doesn’t want to welcome you anyway. To the rep, you pose a threat — you’re potentially a red-faced complaining machine. The only interaction he or she actually wants with you is the kind where you sign up for a bunch of overpriced, underwhelming local excursions. That, or the chance to swap STIs at the end of the welcome bar-crawl.
No ‘football friends’
Thinking of striking up a conversation with that bloke who’s wearing your team’s shirt? Have you completely lost your mind? You wouldn’t do it down your local, so don’t do it in Majorca. Give it an hour, you’ll be three drinks in and the conversation will suddenly turn a bit racist. The rest of your relaxing break will turn into a military-style exercise in idiot avoidance.
No sneaking to TripAdvisor
Bothered by that occasional waft from the drains or the broken tile on your hotel bathroom floor? You don’t care enough to complain at reception, but you’ll let fly on TripAdvisor once you’re back home and bored out of your mind, won’t you? If you’re not prepared to pen your review in the hotel foyer with the manager sitting beside you, your grievances are null and void, you weasel.
No drinking till you drop
It’s hot, you’re thirstier than usual and they’re serving larger measures of spirits than you’re used to. Sure, the Blue Lagoon tastes delicious, but each one is packing about half of your regular weekly alcohol intake. Say goodbye to your stomach lining, or if you really lose the plot, your liberty.
No holiday tattoos
If “finding yourself” involves getting a load of Sanskrit scrawled across your lower back, you need to understand that you were lost a long time before you unplugged all your electrical goods, closed the blinds and jumped in the taxi to the airport in the first place.
“What does it say, Dave?”
“Think it’s something about my soul being a blossoming lotus flower. Dunno — I was really drunk.”
“Oh. OK.”
No making the most of every minute
Look, there’s a reason for the shops all closing down and everyone making for their beds at 2pm, and you’re nothing special just because you’ve jetted in for a week or two. Get some shut-eye and sleep off your boozy lunch. You don’t get an award for staying awake for 17 hours straight — the only thing you’re likely to get is a melanoma.
No social media
No one begrudges you your break in the sun, but could you leave it alone with the constant updates on Facebook please? The hours you spend editing, tagging and uploading those 75 photos you insist on sharing with us each day could be better spent, you know, relaxing. Also, don’t come crying to us because you didn’t get your privacy settings sorted and you come back to a burgled house after advertising your whereabouts to all and sundry.
No avoiding foreign food
For crying out loud, try something different for once in your life. There are plenty of places to fill your face that aren’t burger bars.
No ‘There’s a bomb in my bag!’ airport gag
Unless you’re into the idea of the full body-cavity search, of course. You might be. It takes all sorts...
— Guardian News & Media
