Culture
Setting boundaries is tough in some cultures
I would agree with the author to a great extent because being friendly does compromise on discipline. I see it with myself as well. When we were growing up, we suffered till we became something in society. We faced a lot of difficulties in life, so as fathers we try hard not to let our sons be exposed to what we had to face. Honestly, I don’t think it is right. But I can’t help it. This is the Eastern culture — do everything for your child, which is wrong.
I do think the the issue is connected with our culture. When your son or daughter reaches the age of 16, in the American or European culture, you would let them be and allow them to meet with the challenges life throws at them. In Eastern cultures, we don’t do that.
Also, we ignore a lot of things that a child might do wrong, thinking they might change later. Even when I do correct my son, it is only to a certain limit.
The ultimate effect is quite negative. We have to try to maintain a balance between our love for our children and our duty towards them, because they are ultimately going to face life, they won’t always be our children.
From Ms Nassef Nabeeh Naguib
Educational advisor living in Abu Dhabi
Inspiration
Fathers need to lead by example
Gone are the days when parents had to be very strict. And when it comes to fathers, more than being too strict or too lenient, the father just has to be a role model for his son. For example, my husband is a doctor and my son decided to become a doctor when he was a teenager.
He had seen his father being respected in society as a doctor so he wanted to follow his father’s steps. But it isn’t just about one’s career.
For my son, his father is a role model. He has taken on quite a few traits and characteristics from his father, whether it is to do with how to deal with others or in his personal life. His father is an extrovert and mingles very easily with people of all ages and similarly my son, too, has a good group of friends who have positively influenced him.
Then there is the ability to take decisions — he has seen his father take decisions in a certain way and today, when he has to take a decision, he weighs the pros and cons as well.
So, here the father is neither being too strict or too lenient but is showing what needs to be done in life by living a certain way.
It is fine to be a friend to a certain extent so that your children can communicate openly. But there are moments when you have to put your foot down and say, “Son, it cannot be done.”. A friend cannot do that, it has to be done by an authority figure. But it is all about striking a balance, which not many can achieve.
From Ms Sumitha Ayilliath
Freelancer and mother of two living in Dubai
Responsibility
Be a parent, not the police
No, I wouldn’t agree with the author — being friendly is always better. I have a daughter and believe in being a friendly father, and I don’t think it would be any different if I had a son.
I also don’t agree that boys are growing up without discipline. Even though most of the students I meet as a professor are over the age of 20, even the younger boys I have met seem to be fairly groomed.
As a parent, it is quite easy to strike that balance — you should be clear on what is right and what is not and, more importantly, you should also follow that.
It isn’t policing, it’s parenting so if you can lead your children in a friendly manner, it is definitely better than being authoritative. And if a parent is failing in balancing that out, they are just not willing to take up the responsibility.
Implementing rules is not difficult if you are able to properly communicate in the child’s language and go down to their wavelength.
From Dr Manuel Fernandez
Professor of finance working in Sharjah
Time
Guilt drives parents to not set the necessary boundaries
There is some truth to what the author has said. Children need to be told what boundaries need to be maintained. They are always looking for a role model whether it is in their father or teachers at school or any adult in their lives. They need to be taught discipline and the fact that they need to work hard to achieve what they want in life. There are many studies that have been done on millennials which show that they are looking for success without putting in the effort that is necessary.
Parents are trying to be their child’s best friend and in the process are unable to put in place the necessary discipline.
The reason, I guess, is time. Parents are unable to spend as much time with their children as they would like. When they return from work, they realise they haven’t seen their child for the whole day. This is not the time they would like to be forceful or get into an argument about the minor things that might have happened. Because they let the little things pass, when the problem blows up it becomes difficult for parents to assert their authority. Sometimes I have seen parents trying to buy their way out of certain situations or commitments or probably out of guilt.
The solution is to go back to the basics. Make dinner time a priority. You have to have one time during the day where the whole family sits together and eats and talks about what might have happened during the day. Tuck your children to bed, don’t expect the nanny to do it. Another thing we’ve done is prioritised online communication, so when I am sitting with my child and responding to emails, what I am telling them is that the work I have to do right now is more important than looking at you and responding to what you might be saying.
Honestly, I have received emails from parents at ridiculous times in the morning, expecting me to respond. That is just not normal.
From Mr John Savage
Deputy head of a senior school in Abu Dhabi
— Compiled by Huda Tabrez/Community Web Editor
Gulf News asked: Do fathers fail in their responsibility to raise good men when they try to be overly friendly with their sons?
Yes 35%
No 65%