Do these six things and retire like a millionaire, said an online financial site, and I started dreaming about how to spend the money.
Most of my dreams about an easy life always centre around buying a private island in the Caribbean and spending the days lolling and hanging around in a hammock between two palm trees as I sip coconut juice out of a coconut that had its top sliced off with a machete.
(You have to hold the green coconut in your left hand and chop off the top with a flourish, being very careful not to slice off your thumb. The coconut water tastes warm and awful, but I suppose it is good for you, especially if you are dehydrated from hanging out in the sun for too long).
The sad part is that I do not even like lolling on beaches and turning a deeper nut-brown like US President Donald Trump who apparently uses a bronzer excessively, without a proper foundation. Maybe that western dream has been foisted on me, as beaches are not really my thing.
I do not even relate to the cliche, Life is a Beach, because I hate the jellyfish that sting and congregate on the shifting sands and you have step gingerly around them.
Let us not even talk about the sand that gets into various awkward places, and the sun that makes it hot and sticky making my hairless head break out into huge sweat droplets that photographers love to get a close up of and which leaves me yearning for my air-conditioned comfort and my ice-cold beverage.
“Do you want a million dollars?” I asked my younger son one day and he laughed and said, “What will I do with that?”
But then he is a Millennial and what does he know about riches.
Whenever an Indian expatriate wins the Dubai Duty Free raffle’s huge winnings, he is asked (it is always an Indian winner and a male, and never a woman) what he would like to do with his money, and the answer is invariably boringly the same, get the sister married off, build a house and give a portion of it to charity.
I asked my wife what would she do with a million dollars, and she said she would deposit it in long-term savings deposits, and I thought it was good to know that and quickly thought about ways to hide the money that I can access fast.
Sadly, there is no way to hide your money, somehow the evil government gets to know about it, or some silly fellow sitting in Panama makes an awful mistake and the whole world knows you are trying not to pay your taxes like a dishonest citizen.
I checked with a tax lawyer how I could avoid paying capital gains tax on my property and he suggested that I sell the land and buy another property, and I thought it was a bum deal. Get a load of cash in your hands and while you are salivating, to again block your capital for three more years!
It was like showing an obese man a beef shawarma with drippy, warm mayonnaise, yummy potato chips and pickles, and then taking it away saying it is bad for your health.
The online site said the way to save huge bucks is not to give your bank any more money than you should. Cancel your magazine subscription and TV package and do not order lunch at work.
This was like saving money by not smoking; imagine you do not buy a pack a day, that works out to Dh300 a month.
This would take me years and years to accumulate enough to sip coconut water on a beach that I hate.
Mahmood Saberi is a freelance journalist based in Dubai. You can follow him on Twitter at www.twitter.com/mahmood_saberi.
