A good friend called me this morning. “All OK with you?”, I asked her casually. “All OK ...”, she paused for a split second, “is aspirational”, she finished. Long after the phone call, my thoughts went back to what she had said — “All OK is aspirational.” A couple of years ago, I would have probably laughed at this statement. Being OK is mundane and ordinary. We are taught to work or look for things that are beyond just plain OK. But, strangely, now, I feel the weight of this little sentence. It makes me uncomfortable and it certainly has gone up high on my wish list to the point that it scares me to think of the magnitude of what this means. I brush aside many thoughts and get on with my day.
A good hour goes by. I finish cooking and I pick up a book to read. I lazily turn the pages unable to focus. After a couple of minutes, one little word catches my attention. I stare at the two-letter word OK and immediately, it unsettles me.
Exactly two weeks ago, I met another friend at the community centre. Her eyes sparkled when she saw me. She opened her arms to give me a big hug. So”, she said squeezing my arms “How have you been?”, and without waiting for me to respond, she continued, “It is so good to see you.” I stood there for what seemed like an eternity, unable to decide what to tell my friend. Usually, these questions are asked with no intention of getting a response otherwise. It is a social norm and we always end up saying “We are very well,” even if we are going through an unusually bad day. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I was not in the right spirits. I had been to my doctor a week earlier. Health scares give you a certain perspective to life that you otherwise don’t get. It makes you either wiser or plain depressed. Nonetheless, I had to be honest with my friend — because, I reasoned, what are friends for?
I took my time to answer even as I smiled. I was not sure, if she waited for me to respond, because, nobody does. She turned towards the exit and was about to leave when I called out, “I am not OK.” A thousand things ran inside my head. My follow-up trips to my oncologist have never been easy. It depresses me that I am associated with an oncologist and at times I want to sever all my ties with my doctor. I go through many bouts of anxiety as complicated machines run over my body and I frantically pray that my body functions in perfect harmony. So, there, I was not OK. But, I didn’t tell her in so many words. Instead, all I told her was that I had been worried though my doctor thinks I am fine. “It is just that the past few days have been a bit stressful”, I told her finally. It had been exactly that, but I knew in my heart that she had not expected to hear that from me.
As the little incident comes back to me, I ponder over the statement that is aspirational — ALL OK. Two tiny words with a world of hope. Yes, I want that, and I aspire for that. I want my days to go on in clock-work precision and to know that I will have my family beside me no matter what — is indeed aspirational. To hope for an “ALL OK” also means that my body and mind will work in perfect harmony and that, I will lead a normal, fast-paced life. And yes, if everything is OK, it means, I have food, clothes, shelter and most of all, I also have great health. And, finally, if my mind, body and soul are in good spirits, then, indeed, it is ALL OK. And, I know, THAT is aspirational.
Sudha Subramanian is a freelance writer based in Dubai and the author of Life ... full of commas. Twitter: @sudhasubraman.
