We take pride in adhering to our ethos. We are taught to care for others first. Girls are especially brought up believing that their role is to keep the peace, to be loved and appreciated and to keep everybody pleased which gets entrenched in their conscience when they become women. While trying to ingrain these good values to make them good individuals, are we leaving out something essential? Do we ever teach them to actualise the power within in a right way? Do we teach them to be assertive and not to bury their own rights while upholding those of others?
Mahima has a meddling neighbour who is also a distant aunt. Her aunt has a habit of snooping around, disturbing Mahima with phone calls and doorbells. Irrespective of Mahima's busy schedules, she feels free to descend on her anytime. This leaves her completely distraught but she jeopardises her relationship by seeking to be in her aunt's good books and doesn't know how to deal with her aunt's inveterate habits.
Compromising cannot fix problems especially when we can achieve our needs by giving equal value to the needs of self and others. Some women think that they are relegated to less power and are afraid to admit it and voice their needs — as a result they stop growing. The suppression might give them a truce period but as we know time erodes everything; eventually their true nature and needs spring up in more implacable form. Rehan and Maira were working parents with two children aged seven and four. On weekends, Rehan used to go out with his friends to unwind where as Maira took care of children and their studies and stayed at home. Though Maira missed her husband's company and felt frustrated as she couldn't go out to unwind with her friends, she kept silent to avoid conflicts and dreaded the imbalance in the dynamics of her relationships.
Resentment
The frustration was felt in the house. It's not only that Rehan could feel the cold vibes from Maira even the children became the victims of her resentment. Finally Maira asserted her needs to Rehan calmly. After sometime they decided that in a month, on one weekend Rehan will go out while Maira will stay back at home with children and on the other weekend Maira will go out while Rehan will be at home. And the remaining two weekends they will go out or stay back together with the kids.Now Maira felt better as she could break the barricade of immobilisation. Rehan addressed his responsibilities and in fact enjoyed time with kids and his wife which brought happiness in the family.
But we should also understand that there is a thin line between aggressiveness and assertiveness. Aggressiveness means standing up for your rights, but in a way that demeans others or violates the rights of others.
Aggressiveness shows the deep fears of people, which they project onto others as power. Aggressiveness can be used to belittle others or to over-inflate oneself while assertiveness is understanding what is ethically correct and using the power accordingly to enhance oneself and respect the achievements of others.
Ritu Dokania is an author based in Dubai.
