A reader asks: I am a 28-year-old male working in Dubai. I met my girlfriend some eight months back and before the start of our relationship, she told me frankly that she had hugged and kissed her earlier boyfriend and also went out with him for movies five times, but never went beyond that.
She was adamant that any physical advancement can only happen after the marriage. She also told me that she never thought that marriage would work even though both of them deeply wanted marriage to happen, but due to family constraints and also the guy increasingly becoming paranoid, she had to break up.
What surprises me is: if they weren't sure of marriage, why hug? If she had a decent upbringing, she would never even allow anyone to touch or hug her and would definitely move out of the relationship very soon.
I am not a very modern in my thought process. I had a very conservative upbringing and was groomed with moral values and personal-relationship ethics. Now, I feel really stupid for keeping up all the moral values and the girl whom I got and love so deeply has already given her body and mind willingly to some other person, which actually should have been me.
She was in a real fix, when I stepped in to her life because she was almost depressed due to the fact that her former boyfriend threatened to commit suicide if she doesn't go back to him.
With the constant attention and care I gave her, she liked me. Eventually, she started to love me very deeply, though she told me that she needed some time for older things to settle down and forget her former lover completely. I agreed to that and gave her all the time she wanted and when she started giving me the attention, I was really very happy.
Unfortunately, I once saw a message on her phone (when I was with her) about she missing her home and the recurring thoughts of her former boyfriend. She was in a confused state at that time. Seeing this message, I was deeply shattered and I didn't know what to do. Before that, she even told me that she has completely recovered from her past affair.
I confronted her with this and she felt very guilty and told me it was a thought that came to her mind and she couldn't help it, and that I am the only person in her life now. After that incident, I don't know why but I lost all my trust in her. Now things are in such a way that, I am really depressed and feeling lonely.
I really feel dejected for having somebody whose body and mind were willfully given to somebody else for enjoyment. What do I do?
Please help me. I am nearly at the verge of a mental breakdown. I love her very much and do not want to leave her in any way. She is my life and there is no turning back. But I need to come out of this dilemma somehow. Please help me.
Linda Sakr, licensed Counselling Psychologist, Dubai Community Health Centre, replies: I feel that the mere fact that your girlfriend spontaneously confessed to what happened between her and her ex-boyfriend is positive in the sense that she was honest. However, I sense your anger stems from the fact that you feel betrayed based on your moral values and personal relationship ethics.
It seems as though your girlfriend’s previous relationship is still unresolved and hence her confusion. No matter what you say or do she needs to heal and have some closure before she can fully commit to you in a relationship.
You mention that you have lost trust in her. Trust is a vital ingredient in any relationship. The good news is that trust can be restored on the basis that she is fully transparent and honest with you and you in turn must give her the benefit of the doubt.
- The way I see it is you have three choices: First of all, give her a chance to change and for her to be more open with you with her thoughts and feelings and if after a few months that doesn’t work then you have two choices: either fully accept the situation as it is or break-up and move on from the relationship.
- I urge you to stop beating yourself up for “being a stupid person and not living the life of ecstasy when all people even my girlfriend had lived such a way without any guilt…” As far as I’m concerned you did the best you could with what you knew. The fact that you grew up in a well-mannered household is a blessing in itself so do cherish that.
- It sounds like you stepped into her life to help alleviate her depression only to find yourself locked in a depressive and lonely cycle. Like I said earlier, the only way you can come to terms with this is through forgiveness and acceptance. Speaking with a professional counsellor can help you articulate your thoughts and feelings.
- You ask whether you too should commit adultery but ultimately two wrongs don’t make a right and I guarantee you it will only make you feel worse. It is also unproductive to seek revenge, as it’s an unhealthy cycle that can ruin you both beyond repair.
It is crucial that you set boundaries in your relationship and to clearly define where you begin and where you end. It is necessary to set limits and make them known to yourself as well as to her, be clear about what you find acceptable and what you find unacceptable, as well as what you will live with and what you will not tolerate.
At the end it is your decision and yours alone. If you are to forgive you have to forgive completely and move forward, it’s unfair to hold it against her for the rest of her life. It’s evident that you both have different moral code and meeting in the middle would be a fair compromise. A relationship is a two-way street. If you are both serious about each other you’ll hang in there, communicate and make it work no matter how hard it feels or gets. Most couples who do this do come out stronger as a result.
I wish you all the best and hope that you can find peace, trust and respect in your relationship.
Disclaimer: This blog is a conversation and is not an alternative for treatment. The recommendations and suggestions offered by our panel of psychiatrists are their own and Gulf News will not take any responsibility for the advice they provide.
