A reader asks: I am the only child, but I can say that I am not a spoiled brat, because while I was growing up, I didn’t always get what I like and want. At an early age, I was taught to do household chores so I know how to cook, clean the dishes and wash clothes.
My dilemma is that I am living inside a fish bowl. I am 32-years old, but my mum still wants to influence my decisions and choices.
After college, I took up law and finished it because she wanted me to be a lawyer. I took the bar exam and I failed. I have failed her too. I am now a mum of twins yet I feel that I am still living to appease her even if I want to make choices of my own.
By not following her desires would mean I am a bad daughter for her and that she is not happy with me and she said she would take that feeling with her to her grave. Now that she is not getting older at the age of 56, she suffered a minor heart defect and she and dad would say that it was my fault that she had that sickness.
I want to follow my own will and I want to make decisions of my own, but I feel like I am always walking on eggshells. Sometimes, it is hard to talk my heart out to her even on the phone as they are living in our home country while we are based in Dubai. Even though I am physically away from my parents, they still have that effect and impact on me. She would say hurtful things and insult me. She does not approve of my husband. I guess, she is thinking that my husband is taking me away from them, not just physically but also emotionally.
I want her to live the remaining days of her life happily, but it would also mean doing things I don't like to do. I know whatever she would do, whatever I do, nothing can change the fact that I am her daughter and she is my mum. I badly need your help. Please!
Linda Sakr, licensed Counselling Psychologist, Dubai Community Health Centre, replies: Thank you for sharing your difficult experience with us. You mention you’re an only child and from what you describe you sound like you were a responsible child from a very young age. One of the important psychological milestones is for a child to be able to differentiate from their parents’ both emotionally and physically.
Normally this usually occurs in the teenage years and includes the need for the adolescent, at least for a short period, to reject their parents and identify with their peers. This is why the teenage years are so tough, but psychological separation is a necessary part of growing up. A parent needs to allow this to happen and not become ‘hurt’ by the rejection they experience, or become punitive, or put their own emotional needs first. Sadly many only children find it hard to do this psychological separation, because of the pressure placed upon them, not to upset their parents’ expectations. This lack of separation can continue well into adulthood and sometimes never actually occurs until the parent dies.
I believe the fear of not being needed motivates many controlling parents to perpetuate a sense of powerlessness in their children. It appears to me that your mother has an unhealthy fear of the “empty nest syndrome,” the inevitable sense of loss that all parents experience when their children finally leave home. So much of a controlling parent’s identity is tied up in the parental role that they feel betrayed and abandoned when the child becomes independent.
From what you describe, it sounds to me as though your mother has taken a direct control approach, for example: “by not following her desires would mean I am a bad daughter for her and that she is not happy with me and she said she would take that feeling with her to her grave.” There’s nothing subtle about it.
Direct control usually involves intimidation and is frequently humiliating. Your feelings and needs must be subordinated to those of your parents. You are dragged into a bottomless pit of ultimatums. Your opinion is worthless, your needs and desires are irrelevant and the imbalance of power is tremendous.
Because the control is intense, intimidating, guilt-producing and emotionally crippling, you will usually react in one of two ways: capitulate or rebel. Both of these reactions inhibit psychological separation, even though rebellion would seem to do just the opposite. The truth is, if you rebel in reaction to your parents you are being controlled just as surely as if you submit.
In a relatively well-functioning family, parents tend to cope with life pressures by working out problems through openly communicating, exploring options, and not being afraid to seek outside help if they need it. Controlling parents on the other hand, react to threats to their balance by acting out their fears and frustrations, with little thought for the consequences to their children.
The opposite of being reactive is being responsive. When you’re being responsive you’re thinking as well as feeling. You’re aware of your feelings but you don’t allow them to drive you to act impulsively. Responsiveness allows you to maintain your self-worth, despite anything your parents may say about you. This is very rewarding. The thoughts and feelings of others no longer create self-doubt. You will see all sorts of options and dealings with other people because your perspective and your sense of reason are not being clouded by your emotions. Responsiveness can put back into your hands a great deal of control over your life.
- Remember you are an adult and can withstand your discomfort for the purpose of becoming your own person. I would like to encourage you to start practicing non-defensive responses such as: “that’s interesting,” “You’re certainly entitled to your opinion,” “Let me think about that.” In addition, instead of saying “you’re wrong!” you could perhaps re-frame by saying “I don’t happen to agree with you.” In that way your position would be framed as an opinion as opposed to a challenge, reducing the chance of inciting an emotional reaction.
I would also like to suggest if you feel brave enough, you might want to tackle some of the bigger issues in your relationship with your mother, by setting limits and boundaries and letting her know what you are willing and not willing to do for her.
Bear in mind that your mother may not change. However, if you change your ways of responding to her, you would single-handedly change your relationship with her. This could cause her to change, but even if it didn’t, you will be tipping the balance of power into your own hands.
Take the time to reflect on the positive aspects of your life such as being blessed with twins and the sort of mother you choose to be for them. As well as the fact that you mention you’re settling in Dubai, in addition to nurturing a healthy relationship with your husband.
When you become self-defined, you become responsive instead of reactive, when you make clear statements about what you feel and think, when you set limits on what you are and aren’t willing to do – your relationship with your mother will have to change.
I wish you all the best!
Disclaimer: This blog is a conversation and is not an alternative for treatment. The recommendations and suggestions offered by our panel of psychiatrists are their own and Gulf News will not take any responsibility for the advice they provide.
