A reader asks: My daughter is 24-years old. She was always a slow learner and completed her ‘O’ level with good grades in August 2006. She did one year of foundation course following which she changed college and undertook her 4 years undergraduate studies (B.Com in marketing) in a reputed university in September 2007.
Towards the end of 3rd year (May 2011) she expressed her desire to move to another highly reputed university for the final year of her undergraduate studies, and for getting the credits from her current university accordingly transferred. So she started her term at this new university and told us that she will take a year and a half to complete as there are some new subjects.
In December 2011, she mentioned that her finals are in February and she is starting preparing for the same. Couple of projects too were due for submission which she mentioned that she had submitted in April 2012. She mentioned that the results should be out in July/August 2012. At the same time in April 2012, she expressed desire to do a one year diploma course in fashion designing, something she was very much interest in right from her ‘O’ levels but the counsellor during the initial foundation course meeting advised her not to pursue a narrow steam at the initial stage but to go wider and to narrow it down as she advances. So, my daughter started with her fashion designing diploma in May 2012. I have been checking with her constantly about her graduation ceremony etc. to which she kept saying that this has been delayed due to a low count of graduates and it will take place soon. This went on till we landed in 2013 and finally she said that the ceremony is on April 30, following which she will get her certificate.
April end neared and there was no sign of her preparing for the same and she kept saying that she will miss out on the graduation ceremony as she has some urgent project submission relating to her fashion designing course but will have the degree certificate collected.
On May 1, I told her that since the ceremony is over she should go and get the degree certificate and transcripts and to check with her college on when she can come. I called her a couple of times and asked: "Have you called? Have you called?" And she replied she will call shortly. Finally, when I mentioned that I will call the college and check myself, she told me not to call the college and that she had dropped out of the college and still had a year and a half of college left. The subjects were tough and she could not cope up with it and was under extreme pressure. She thought that she will do her diploma in fashion designing, get a job and then tell us (her parents) about her dropping out of the college.
My world came crumbling down to hear all this – 5 long years of her life, 5 long years of my life, my late nights waiting for her to come home and not forgetting the money we spent on sending her to colleges of her choice. It was her decision throughout with regards to which college she wants to go and which path she wants to walk on and it took her 5 long years and cost me Dh 400,000 to realise that the subjects were not to her liking. Not that she has failed in any of the subjects. Nor do we expect her to get the best of grades.
My life revolves around office and home. I have no friends and nobody to talk to and cannot decide on what to do. I could not do my studies due to money constraints and responsibilities and it was my utmost desire that my children are able to study well, choose a proper career path and get settled well.
I wanted my daughter to be educated and especially because she is a girl, wanted her to be independent and able to stand on her own feet.
I carried on with this miserable, disrespectful and abusive married life of mine for my two children but it seems I was only making a fool of myself in this marriage, thinking about the betterment of my children and their bright future. My dreams were all for my children.
I have tried to convince her to go back to college and but she has taken a firm stance and says no. She would like to pursue an undergraduate study now in Fashion Designing back home in India – but what guarantee is there that she will complete the same? She is brought up here in Dubai all through. Will she be able to put up with the life Mumbai or Bangalore will offer her, in terms of comfort and travelling etc.?
Is she sorry for what has happened? No, not evident in her tone, any way. She shouts at the top of her voice and tries to curb my voice and just does not want to hear me out and instead cross questions me. Frankly, I have no trust in her and this has stemmed not from this one instance but from her past days – right from stealing money to telling lies and what and what not - she has done it all. She is stuck forever on her BB or phone behind closed doors, the bills of which are unlimited and when questioned, she questions me instead – what is the problem if I speak to my friends?
Every call she makes and every message she sends from my phone gets deleted immediately which clearly shows she is not open with me and hides things.
Every time she stumbled in her steps, we stood by her and protected her. Now she threatens us that she will get a job and leave home. She does not think what her present and future would be without an education. All said and done, it will be my pain to see my daughter suffering. She hardly has any friends and any friendship she develops does not last for long.
I am shocked; feel totally lost and unable to accept what has happened. I feel totally empty. I don’t know what to do – please help, please advice.
A totally lost mother.
Carey Kirk (M.Ed, Counseling Psychologist at The LightHouse Arabia, Dubai) replies: From your letter, I can tell that you are experiencing a lot of distress about your daughter's recent life choices. I understand that in some Asian cultures education is a foremost priority. After the sacrifices you have made to ensure that your daughter is able to have the kind of education you had dreamed for her, I can understand that her decision to drop out of college has been a devastating blow to you.
From your letter, it is apparent that you are coming from a place of care and concern and that you genuinely want the best for your daughter. But it also sounds as though your relationship with your daughter is very strained.
The basic foundation of any good relationship is trust. You have stated that you do not trust your daughter and I am curious about whether or not she trusts you. From your description, your daughter has done things in the past that have led you to not trust her or her ability to make good decisions. To improve your relationship, you are going to have to get to a place where you are willing to trust your daughter again. I encourage you to sit down with your daughter and have a discussion – whether by yourselves or in family counselling – about why you feel it is difficult for you to trust her and what you both may need to do so that you can regain the trust in your relationship.
I admire that you want your daughter to have a better life and more opportunities than you did. There is nothing wrong with wishing for this and presenting options when possible. The problems begin, however, when there is a gap in communication within the family.
Healthy communication goes two ways. It is just as essential that we listen to each other as it is that we talk and pass on our experience. You said that your daughter shouts at you and does not want to hear you out when you speak. This is a problem as it blocks your communication and leaves you feeling hurt and angry. I am wondering where her behaviour comes from. In many situations, shouting and cross questioning can come from a place of defensiveness. Is it possible that your daughter may be feeling attacked?
Before you answer that question, I encourage you to consider how much you have actually listened to your daughter in your conversations. Not heard - but listened without interruption and with curiosity instead of judgment or advice.
It is really easy to jump in with comments and advice while someone is talking, especially if we believe we know what is best for that person or when we don’t trust their ability to make good decisions on their own. In many cultures, this is how conversations went: the parent talks and the child listens dutifully. Unfortunately, this type of one-way communication can be very detrimental in the long-run as it does not allow for the child's ideas and desires to be heard or respected. And respect is a two-way road as well. If a child feels that their points of view and desires are not being listened to or respected, they are less likely to respect a parent's point of view - regardless of how right the parent may be.
In addition to working on trust, I recommend that you try to improve your communication pattern with your daughter. If you acknowledge that you often jump in and do not let your daughter finish her sentences when discussing this issue or you are quick to shut down her ideas, try listening more. Let her finish her sentences. Ask inquisitive questions to get more information about her plans and ideas rather than dismissing them. You may find that by doing this, your daughter no longer feels the need to shout or talk over you and she may be more inclined to listen to you and the advice that you have.
This is very hard to do when we are feeling so hurt. Remember to take time to breathe and cool down if you find yourself welling up with a lot of emotion in your discussions with your daughter. You may even have to put the conversation on hold and come back to it when you are feeling calmer. This may sound like a lot of effort, but having an open and inquisitive conversation without the shouting and interrupting that heated emotion can bring is worth it.
Wanting the best for our children can also become a problem when we buffer them too much. You noted in your letter that "every time she stumbled in her steps, we stood by her and protected her." Again, while I understand that you want your daughter to be happy and successful, trying to protect our children from everything can have huge consequences for them and for us as well.
When we hurt, when we stumble, when we fall, we learn things about ourselves and about the world that helps us to get it right the next time. When children are overly protected by their parents, they do not have the opportunities to build the skills and internal resources they need to manage difficulties and triumph over adversity. These children are often less able to succeed in college and the working world because they have never had to manage situations on their own.
While your daughter will always be your child, you need to recognize that she is not a child. She is an adult. Being an adult, she needs to have some space to make her own choices and mistakes and to learn how to navigate adult responsibilities. You cannot do this for her. Yes, it hurts to see our children in pain. But we set ourselves up for even more pain by attempting the impossible: you can’t protect her from everything – nor should you. Again, you have to get to a place where you can trust that your daughter will do her best. She may not always make the same decisions you would and none of us can ever make the right decision all the time, but you have to have faith in her that she will learn from her experiences and be better for them.
Overall, I strongly encourage you to work on your relationship with your daughter. Some people find that they can do this successfully on their own and others who may be in more difficult situations find that going for family counselling is extremely helpful. Sometimes we need a neutral outsider to arbitrate and to help us navigate our way through. Either way, I truly hope that you can both reach a place of peace, trust, and mutual respect in your relationship.
In the meantime, I would like to leave you with the wise words of Khalil Gibran:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
Disclaimer: This blog is a conversation and is not an alternative for treatment. The recommendations and suggestions offered by our panel of psychiatrists are their own and Gulf News will not take any responsibility for the advice they provide.
