We speak to experts and breast cancer survivors about what people can do to support loved ones through a difficult time
Just be there and listen
Catherine Wright has been an oncology nurse in cancer clinics across the US and Canada for 20 years.
She said: “If you have a friend who is getting tested for breast cancer, reach out. Just be there for them. Go with them if they want you to go and listen. Don’t share your experiences, they just need someone to talk to.
“It’s important for everyone to understand that every case is unique. Hearing someone else’s story – good or bad – doesn’t make you feel better. Also, medically, no two people are treated the same because you are treated differently based on your pathology report, your age and your health.”
Not every conversation has to revolve around the person’s diagnosis, either.
Lina Al Sharif, a Dubai-based culture and communications manager and cancer survivor said: “Yes, the encouragement and support talk is needed, but it should not be the only thing we talk about. At the end of the day, we all want to enjoy the blessing of being alive.”
Dr Sawsan Al Madhi, Director General of Friends of Cancer Patients and Head of Pink Caravan Medical and Awareness Committee, emphasised the importance of being supportive, but not treating your friend differently.
She said: “The best thing is to know the case. Most patients want support on a moral level, but they don’t want to be looked at differently.
“If you know that person is socially active, try to get them doing things they normally do. Nothing has changed. Make it as normal as possible and don’t smother them. I have a friend who has been diagnosed with breast cancer and all she wants is people around. She said ‘I want you to take me out. I don’t want to stay home and feel depressed.’
Listen to what they want.”
“It comes down to how well they know the person and not changing how you treat them. But, it depends on their personality, how well you know the person and what they want.”
Know what not to say
Melanie Gobert is a breast cancer survivor, and a member of the support group Bosom Buddies in Abu Dhabi.
She said: “Don’t ask the person if they used to smoke or if they are vegetarian, because that has nothing to do with whether you get cancer or not. It’s an autoimmune disease that is pretty indiscriminate. People of both sexes, all nationalities, all ethnic backgrounds, and all ages, get cancer and it’s not caused by the shampoo you use or what kind of beef you eat.”
According to Mandy Daswani, a breast cancer survivor and personal assistant to a finance manager in Dubai, questions like “Do you worry about death?” are insensitive and intrusive.
She said: “The key is to encourage positivity and take away negativity.”
Respect the process
It’s important to allow your loved one to talk about whatever they need and never tell them they can’t mention something just because the subject is difficult.
Wright said: “Be supportive, don’t be afraid to go with them, don’t ‘shush’ them when they want to talk about it or the possibility of dying. It’s okay [for them to talk about dying], don’t stop them because they want to talk about it. If they want to talk about things that you’re uncomfortable with, just listen. Sometimes they just want to talk because they are afraid.”
Al Madhi said: “Understand what stage of grieving they are in. Are they in denial or the acceptance stage? It’s a normal process that needs time. For some it takes hours and for others it takes days or weeks. This time needs to be respected and it’s often spent with close family.”
It’s their turn to receive
Caregiving is a team effort. No matter what role you play in the life of someone who has been diagnosed with cancer, you have the ability to make their day just a little bit better.
Gobert said: “I am a teacher, and I had a lot of colleagues who offered to cover my classes or do some photocopying for me. When you are sick with cancer, it’s your turn to receive and when you are better you will give back. I always say it’s a very exclusive club, but no one wants to join it.”
According to the American Society of Clinical Oncology (ASCO), help with daily tasks and chores can be extremely valuable for a loved one with cancer. Shopping for groceries, cooking a meal, babysitting the children or even sparing time to go for a walk with the patient can help relieve their stress.
Bringing food is helpful
Someone undergoing cancer treatment will often lose their appetite or feel too sick to cook, according to Wright. Even though they need to eat, it’s not always appealing. Bringing food is a helpful and kind gesture.
Wright said: “Bring foods that aren’t heavily scented. When having chemotherapy, smells can make them nauseated. Also, bringing cold food is better than hot because it doesn’t have as strong of a smell or flavour.”
Get support
Being surrounded by people who understand how you feel is important. Groups like Bosom Buddies in Abu Dhabi, and Brest Friends in Dubai, offer support to cancer sufferers and to the family and friends of those who have cancer.
A report published in US-based journal Health and Quality of Life Outcomes, found that support groups offered not just emotional, but informational and practical support benefits to cancer survivors and their families.
Gobert said: “When you get cancer, your experience is abnormal. Most people don’t know what to say to comfort you. Support groups help people feel ‘normal’ because you can talk to each other about your experience, your diagnosis, where to buy a wig, and so on. You can show each other your scars. When we are together, we laugh even though it’s not funny. It’s not always easy to be in a support group because some people don’t get well. But it’s nice to know that you comforted them a little bit along the way.”
Find financial help
Administrative volunteer at Breast Cancer Arabia, Harriet Barton, is part of the team that arranges financial support for women with breast cancer in the UAE, Lebannon and Egypt. They focus on helping women with breast cancer pay for their treatments.
Barton said: “Many of the women we help are the breadwinners for their families. We are the only form of support they do have. They are used to sending money to their families back home, but they can’t get money. This financial burden is a massive weight on their shoulders. Coping is a luxury that many women don’t have.”
Al Sharif, founder of Hookin’ Good, conducts charity projects to fundraise for other women with breast cancer, who cannot afford treatment. In the past year, the group has raised Dh26,095, in collaboration with Al Jalila Foundation.
Celebrate milestones
Whether it’s the end of chemotherapy or the first sign of one’s hair growing back – milestones in one’s journey through cancer treatment can trigger a range of emotions, from gratitude and relief, to pain and the fear of cancer recurrence, even after years have passed. According to cancer.net, one of the best ways to recognise milestones and the emotions they evoke is to take ownership of them.
For Gobert, support from family and friends can turn significant moments into a celebration of a cancer survivor’s perseverance.
At Bosom Buddies, Gobert said: “We congratulate each other when someone tells everyone it’s their last chemo or someone’s hair starts growing back. We’ve all been there and those milestones are important.”
Don’t need to talk
Going with someone for their cancer treatment is helpful in many ways. It passes the time and allows you to be a pillar in their lives.
Wright said: “I find a lot of women want to bring a friend. They’ll bring an iPad and watch a movie together. Sometimes a patient getting treatment doesn’t want to talk. In that case, the friend will go to the lobby and read or maybe they stay and be there, but they don’t need to talk.”
Be their ears
Bring a pen and paper with you when going with your friend for their cancer treatment. Listen to the doctors and ask necessary questions when they arise.
Wright said: “Act as a second set of ears, ready to write down whatever a doctor or nurse says. Patients often forget when they have ‘chemo brain’.”
‘Chemo brain’ is a symptom of cancer treatment that makes the brain a little fuzzy. It often can make chemotherapy patients suffer from memory problems and cognitive impairment.
It’s okay to talk about death
When cancer becomes terminal, don’t avoid or deny what’s happening. It can be taxing on the patient to not be able to talk about it. It also is detrimental to the family to deny that their family member is dying, especially for children coping with the loss. It’s the chance to say goodbye, say what you want to say and make necessary arrangements.
Wright said: “If the person knows they’re dying, let them talk about it. A lot of family want to keep believing and pretending that they’ll get through it. They want to talk, say goodbye and tell their family that they love them. Often the patient just needs to know that you will be okay when they are gone.”
Remain in their lives
Recovering from cancer is a massive relief for family and friends, but many patients remain anxious. It’s important to keep in touch and continue being an active part in their lives.
Wright said: “A lot of people who have recovered from cancer are anxious. They become worried that they won’t get as much support from the people around them. People who would call and check in when they were sick, might not anymore. They feel abandoned. The fear also sets in on whether it will come back.”
