Ah, Christmas music: The last hurrah of the cynical Scrooge. No doubt you will have come across myriad missives listing the top this and top that this December, and surely you’ll all be feeling warm and fuzzy and getting into the festive spirit.
It’s a time of much cheer and good will to all men, and so on.
However, “good will” to some means dragging out and dusting off the old “Best of Christmas” album and critiquing each and every one of its failed hits.
Here are, unquestionably, the 10 worst Christmas songs of all time. Don't agree? Then leave your comments below.
10. Last Christmas, Wham!
We begin with a controversial choice so as to really get the debate raging - and in contrast to popular opinion it would seem. Last year, a Radio 2 poll on the Kenny and Daisy show suggested that 84 per cent of people wanted to hear this over the Beach Boys... It appears, then, that 84 per cent of people are mad.
George Michael’s Wham! years are well documented and were, as the records show, very successful for him. But Last Christmas? Pur-lease.
Fusing Christmas with a song about heartbreak is one thing, but then adding a swipe at a past lover… Sorry, but not even the love note part can save it in our book.
The less said about the haircuts the better, too.
Worst lyric “Last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day you gave it away. This year, to save me from tears, I’ll give it to someone special” – Thanks for cheering us up, I’m sure your ex enjoyed the swipe, too.
9. White Christmas, Michael Buble
Irving Berlin’s White Christmas song is a classic, and a Christmas institution after Bing Crosby crooned it on black and white television. Back in the 1920s it was certain to snow and it was all jolly lovely. Simpler times and all that.
Michael Buble, however, has no business claiming he used to remember Christmas in this way. He makes it sound smug, condescending, and outright irritating.
Furthermore, if it snows these days then airports world over are forced to close, the roads are un-drivable, and insurance premiums go through the roof. Snow causes misery and chaos, and wishing for it is daft.
Secondly, what if you’re celebrating Christmas in Death Valley, or Al Ain, where there is no recorded snowfall ever?
Worst lyric “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, just like the ones I used to know” – Mr. Berlin might have, but you, Michael? In the 1990’s in British Columbia where you live, when it snows it’s declared a national emergency!
8. All I Want for Christmas is You, Mariah Carey and Justin Bieber
We’re prepared for a backlash here. Mariah Carey is as divisive as she is awful, but her All I Want For Christmas Is You has managed to squeeze its way onto the playlist of every Christmas disco ever held. Her original 1994 rendition is the most downloaded Christmas song over the last 11 years.
So if it is such a hit, and one of the most successful Christmas classics of all time, what the blazes was she thinking when she re-released it with Justin Bieber in 2011? Why? That's like painting the flawless Keira Knightley and then replacing her face with a used tissue.
Awful, just awful.
Worst lyric “Baby all I want for Christmas is you”– When referring to Justin Bieber, this is quite far off the mark.
7. Drummer Boy, Justin Bieber ft. Buster Rhymes
The original Drummer Boy song is a Christmas classic with strong Christian meaning. Penned in the 1940s, it was fitting at the time in a post-war world. But who let Justin Bieber cover it? Who? And why is Buster Rhymes doing a "Paruppa pum pum" rap? Could there be a more inappropriate person to lead a cover of this song? Have you ever known anything so ghastly?
It’s terrible and completely devalues the original meaning of the song.
Worst Lyric “Paruppa pum pum” – But rapped
6. Spin me a Christmas, Aqua
Aqua, who you may remember of the Barbie Girl fame, is a band not known for their lyrical genius. However their penchant for flamboyancy and general rubbishness sees them make this list quite comfortably.
What the message of this song actually is remains unclear, but after – agonisingly – listening to the lyrics over and over again, we’re fairly certain any message that exists here has nothing to do with Christmas spirit - in the accepted sense anyway.
It’s inappropriate and makes us want to cringe, cringe, and cringe again.
Worst lyric “Let the DJ spin you a Christmas” – No, let them not.
5. Funky funky Christmas, New Kids on the Block
If we were to start this critique by saying “never has a Christmas song been this bad” then you’d probably want to know why it’s not at number one. Well there are worse out there, but this is so bad that no list of terrible Christmas songs could possibly be published without it.
This song has as much to do with Christmas as a plate of nachos. Watch the performance and time how long you can last without cringing. We lasted 23 miserable, debilitating seconds.
Worst lyric “Have a funky, funky Christmas” – Christmas isn't about funk.
4. 8 Days of Christmas, Destiny's Child
We know a lot of you all love Beyonce Knowles, but you must admit that both her and her former Destiny's Child bandmates will go down in history for performing one of the all-time Christmas horrors.
First of all they removed a quarter of the days of Christmas – there are supposed to be 12 days. The turtle doves were replaced with a pair of Chloe shades (whatever they are), French hens cast aside for a diamond belly ring, the milk maids with some dirty denim jeans (not even clean ones), and a partridge with massaged feet.
Then, to top off all the mismatched milk maids and pampered partridges, the line “Doesn’t it feel like Christmas” is repeated a million times in arguably the most un-Christmassy of ways. Does this song remind us of Christmas? Yes, in the same way that Mungo Jerry's In the Summertime reminds us of Christmas.
Worst lyric “My man, so sexy (repeated over and over)”– And this relates to Christmas how?
3. Come on Christmas, Dwight Yoakham
Christmas is supposed to be a time of good will to all men and much cheer. And indeed when writing a Christmas melody there is but one rule: make it cheerful. So what was Mr. Yoakam thinking when he penned this miserable dross?
It’s sad, depressing, and very un-Christmassy.
Next!
Worst lyric “Embrace me with some joy, 'Til the last few lonely moments, Of this year have been destroyed”– How depressing it that?
2. Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time, Paul McCartney and the Wings
Urgh, Paul, what were you thinking? It was as if Mr. McCartney woke up one morning - probably December 24 - and realised that he had forgotten to record his planned Christmas song. Not only did he forget to record it, but also to write it, and tell his band about it. So he rushed to the studio, gave the janitor an electronic synthesiser and threw a hotchpotch of repetitive beats and chords together and repeated the same line over and over again.
This song is usually entwined with irony. When you hear the line “Simply having a wonderful Christmas time” you’ll likely be sitting among squabbling children, a burnt turkey, and will have just received your credit card bill…
If this had been written by anyone else it would never have been even remotely popular.
Boo!
Worst lyric “Simply having a wonderful Christmas time” - The only lyric. Enough said.
1. Do They Know its Christmas, Band Aid 30
So here we are, then, the worst Christmas song of all time: Band Aid 30. Oh sure it was a nice idea in 1984, and the nostalgia trip in 2004 was an average rehash, but now? Sorry, but it’s smug, condescending, and frankly, insulting.
It’s a factually inaccurate song performed by a load of ego-crazed musicians who don’t really understand the bigger picture. By performing and selling this song, the charity is offloaded to the public who are forced to go out and buy it. How much money gets through to research labs and hospitals treating Ebola victims? It's a classic case of do-goodism gone wrong.
It would have been better for everyone if Bob and his friends each just sent a cheque for Dh1million (that would be a total of Dh46million) to the research labs and hospitals and didn’t subject us to a song that has been released twice before already.
The rich giving to the needy is a far more appropriate Christmas message than dragging consumer capitalism into it.
Worst lyric “Can they know it’s Christmas time at all?” Yes, Bob and Midge, we’re sure the 500 million Christians in Africa know its Christmas. And while we're at it, not everyone in Africa has Ebola!
Which song is the worst?
Merry Christmas, everyone.
This was written for Guides by Martin Fullard, former Deputy Editor and Christmas lover (obvious, isn't it?). Merry Christmas Martin!
