Many of us will experience a bereavement sometime during our working lives and the way it is dealt with can increase or decrease the pain experienced. However, all too often, the response of the employer/manager can be insufficient, or inappropriate, of what is actually required.

The fact is that the consequences of bereavement on an individual is often poorly understood, particularly the psychological impact, despite it being one that we all experience at some point. I have seen too many instances where employees are asked to return to work after attending the funeral of a loved one, and their loss and grief completely ignored by colleagues and/or management upon their return.

However, the inadequacy of the managerial response is not necessarily the result of indifference to an employee’s distress, but more often because the manager is, unfortunately, unprepared and ill-equipped to deliver the appropriate level of support needed.

It is never easy to know what to say to someone who is bereaved and saying ‘I’m sorry’ just seems inadequate. However, very often those words are all that the person needs to hear, to know others care. In reality, however, contact with a bereaved person is too often avoided because colleagues feel awkward.

We have to take our lead from the individual concerned. Rushing into a meeting will probably not be the right place to start off this conversation, but ensuring some quiet time over a cup of coffee might well be more helpful and sensitive in this situation.

A lack of support can also result in the prolonged absence of the employee as they struggle with their loss and become demotivated. So, what is it that stops a team leader from managing this situation with greater sensitivity? Talking to someone who is bereaved is a skill that is not necessarily included within an MBA course taken by a CEO, manager or departmental head.

Many executives and managers have never been given people-management training, and yet we expect them to know how to interact sensitively with someone recently bereaved. In fact, it is an inter-personal skill that can be learned.

Of course, if there is an existing in-house counselling service, then it would be helpful to arrange for bereavement counselling. Even if this service is in place, it doesn’t detract from the managerial role of the team leader to make time to listen and offer condolences. Of course, it is not proposed to make managers into bereavement counsellors, but to ensure that they can be empathic, when appropriate, to a colleague in times of emotional stress, which would certainly be appreciated by the bereaved person.

Individuals always remember those who support them during challenging personal times. It is commonly said that when trouble or sadness strike, ‘you find out who your friends are’ and in many ways that is true, but not always. You may have other friends who sadly didn’t know what to say and didn’t know what to do, and failed to be supportive in the time of need. And that is what you will remember.

So what can your organisation do to avoid the problem of appearing to be uncaring at the very time that care is needed? Ensure your managers are trained in people-management skills and how to relate and communicate with anyone experiencing personal loss, so that any manager will feel confident in dealing with such circumstances as they arise.

 

How should a manager react?

• Have a conversation with the bereaved person after the funeral to find out what support they require. Some people may want to come back to work quickly, but others only later. Ask what help they may require from the team. Talk to the team and give them an opportunity to share their thoughts and feelings.

• When they do return to work, check with them at regular intervals.

• Some working schedules may need to be reassessed until the individual feels emotionally stronger.

• Introduce and publish a bereavement policy, possibly on the company intranet.

• Remember, there will also be significant future anniversaries.

 

Key points

 

* Try never to ignore a bereaved colleague.

* Let them know with a word or gesture that you care.

* Incorporate listening skills into management training.

 

 

 

The writer is CEO of an international stress management consultancy and her book, Show Stress Who’s Boss!, is available in all good bookshops.