There are some moments in life when you know something needs to change. Ideally it's at the beginning of January, when we decide, logically and through plenty of considered thinking what needs to change. In reality, we barely keep to our resolutions and as January fades into February, our good intentions have been forgotten. I think I know why.
The real moments that lead to deep-seated changes don't occur just because the calendar changed date. Instead, they happen when you least expect them to and, for me, they happen in moments filled with emotions that stick with me for years.
Take a terrible ex of mine, the Evil Aussie, who I dated for a while in Dubai. He was violent, aggressive and bullying, both physically and mentally. My friends hated him, my co-workers told me to get rid of him and my family was worried about me. Yet, I still saw him. It wasn't until one evening of particular violence and finding he had another girl at his flat that I realised what an idiot I had been. I never contacted him again or saw him, despite numerous attempts on his part to get hold of me. I decided to never put up with that kind of abuse again; he had made me feel so simpering and vulnerable and I was angry that I had put myself in that position.
Only time will tell, but this week I think I had another of those moments. To cut a long story short, I ended up throwing bananas at a guy I know at 5am. I was fuelled by a combination of being overworked, jet-lagged and angry about rubbish boys. While he probably deserved getting hit in the head with some soft fruit (I think we all know a few guys who do), I don't think it's going to go down as one of my finest moments. So, while I have lost another guy from my life, I think I have gained something much more valuable; the realisation that I am mental.
I hope that once you have established that you are unhinged, you can start to do something about it. This kind of behaviour would have been pretty bad when I was 15, but at 28 it's really laughable. So, my first plan is to go back to yoga, limit nights out to Saturdays and get on top of my workload. I hope that will be enough to reduce my stress levels and avoid any future fruit-throwing incidents. I think there must be more dignified ways to deal with stressful events. Next time I might try walking away and deleting their number or explaining to them calmly that I don't appreciate being disrespected in front of all my friends. As it is, everyone will remember my overreaction, and not his horrid behaviour. I look like the unreasonable one.
It's moments like these that move me to real change. When something moves you powerfully, whether it's love, or anger or sadness, I think that's when we can really take the opportunity to change and grow. Or at least stop throwing bananas at people.
